This article was co-authored by Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.
Find time to check in with each other on a regular basis and see how the relationship is progressing. Getting as specific as possible helps eliminate confusion, mixed signals, and potential problems in the future.
What are some good ground rules for a friends with benefits situation? This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness. For example, you might make it a rule not to cuddle or not to hook up more than a certain number of nights in a row.
Whatever you decide on, the most important rules are to communicate clearly and honestly and respect each others boundaries. This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness. Make it clear that you dont want a serious romantic relationship, and be prepared for things to get awkward if theyre not interested.
This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness. Its also really important to focus on relationships and activities you enjoy outside of your time with the person. If you find yourself catching feelings in spite of all that, be ready to end the relationship.
Ask how she would feel being in that type of relationship, and use that as a basis for getting into a real in-depth conversation about it.
How can I convince my friend for sex?
Let the person know you’re interested and give him or her a few not-so-subtle compliments. You’re not trying to be coy here — you’re looking for a hook-up buddy. Start hooking up. Once the person is interested, you can start kissing or doing something more.
How do you ask someone out for sex?
1 of 5. Find a way to ask that feels natural. ….2 of 5. Make it about your partner, not yourself. ….3 of 5. Turn asking for consent into dirty talk. ….4 of 5. Pay attention to body language. ….5 of 5. If you’re drunk, it might not be the time to make a move.
How do I ask my friend for a hookup?
Talk to your friend about your expectations.. This doesn’t have to be a long, in-depth talk. But before things get physical, make it clear that you are looking for a casual hook up, not a relationship. You could try, “I’m really into you, but before we go any further, you should know that I’m not looking to date you.
Having sex with your friends is a polarizing activity. Some queers love sex with friend; some swear its the death kiss for any platonic relationship. I personally am extremely pro sex with friends, but I think its a good idea to go into the situation with a clear game plan. I am not a big fan of getting drunk and just seeing what happens (in any aspect of my life, to be honest, but especially this one!) and I think planning, even just the tiniest bit, can really be the difference between joy and multiple orgasms and doom and dyke drama. To be very clear: this article is specifically about fucking your friends in a onetime event or limited-engagement few times, and then remaining platonic friends with them. Im not offering advice about how to turn your crush into a relationship, how to carry out a longterm friends-with-benefits situation that magically never combusts, or how to trick your friend into being your girlfriend. I am simply offering a road map for anyone who has ever wanted to have sex with a friend and then continue a healthy friendship with that person afterwards that may or may not include fucking again from time to time.
I love expressing my physical, sexual, sensual, kinky, filthy, slutty, romantic ++ self with my friends as an extension of my ME-ness and care for them. Some reasons people I spoke to listed for not wanting to fuck their pals included: not feeling comfortable about being that vulnerable and intimate with a friend (versus a partner), not enjoying enforcing boundaries after the fact, worrying that theyd be bad in bed, worrying their friend would be bad in bed, the possibility of developing romantic feelings, and a general disinterest.
Is this something youre hoping to make a part of your life because you want to remove the assumption that sex is an activity that can only occur between romantic partners? If youre someone who really likes a plan, or just truly hates plausible deniability, this approach is great because everyone can negotiate how they feel about the idea together, and then everyone can go organize their thoughts separately, but everything is 100% out in the open and there is no guessing involved. Basically, from conversing with so many different people who swore by this method, it seems everyone agrees that sometimes a spontaneous moment just happens, and things work out.
One final note on this step, regardless which method you choose to use: like all sex and dating advice, the thing that is most important here is making sure youre respectful, everyone is comfortable, and all parties are practicing enthusiastic consent. The most important step to preserving a friendship after you have sex is clear communication and intentional actions, and both those things are hard to achieve when youre too drunk to open a pack of latex gloves. While I love getting naked immediately just as much as the next horny dyke, I really recommend checking in at this moment and creating some sort of plan, even if its a loose one.
On the flip side, some people like to keep really strong boundaries during sex with friends so as not to get confused about the nature of the hookup, or to attempt to lessen the likelihood of catching feelings. Whatever your personal preference (you hopefully thought some of this through in Step One!) To that end, I think its useful to remember that feelings are habits, and falling in love is something we decide to do and then feed over and over, not something random that happens to us that is beyond our control. If you have sex with a pal five times in one year and maintain reasonable boundaries and truly platonic behavior outside of bed with each other for the other 360 days, youre much less likely to fall in love.
I cant imagine bad sex ruining a friendship that wasnt already precarious to begin with, so I wouldnt worry about this one too much, personally. You can even be honest with your pal about them, but remember, ultimately the goal is to remain friends and they are not your therapist nor do they owe you anything outside the boundaries and expectations you set before you slept together.
Barbecue sauce is to thank for my first friends-with-benefits situation. One night, I was extolling the virtues of Sweet Baby RaysI come from St. Louis, where citizens consume almost twice as much barbecue sauce per capita as the average personand I claimed that I would eat barbecue sauce off someones dick. (Im cringing, too, dont worry.) In fact, I lamented, why dont people incorporate barbecue sauce in the bedroom more? Why is it only chocolate sauce?
The Direct Approach to Sex With Friends
Being direct does not have to be a huge grand gesture, and it does not have to be scary. I love direct communication, so to me, this is actually the easier of the two. If you are feeling a particularly flirty vibe with a friend, you can ask if they’d like to take the flirtation to another level, or if you want to introduce a flirty vibe you can simply bring up the possibility of sleeping with friends as a general idea and then see how your pal feels about acting on the specifics. Here are some direct ways to ask your friend if they want to sleep with you.
“Bring it up over text first, and after lots of reciprocal flirting,” one person suggested. “I flirt with all my friends… and the sex usually happens after the flirting has gradually been reciprocated and intensified over time.”
Sometimes you go to a party and there seems to be a spark with one of your pals that just isn’t usually there. Or maybe you’re extra horny at a party and so are your friends and everyone just sort of pairs off, or maybe even ends up in an orgy. Who is to say! One person described a scenario where a friend was leaving a party because she got a booty call from her ex. “She was like, ‘do you want to come with me and have a threesome?’ and I was like, ‘sure,’ so we left together.”
Slide Into The DMs
If you flirt a lot on social media, sliding into your friends’ DMs is completely appropriate to test the waters of a hookup, as long as you’re respectful in the same way you would be with a stranger or a potential date. Here’s a suggested sample DM from a generous interviewee: “Hey! We flirt a lot and I think you’re a cutie… Would you ever like to hook up? No pressure, of course!” This person said they think of this as a low-stakes proposition, “and I try to come from a place of humility.”
In Person In The Moment
Whether you’re feeling sexual attraction vibes or simply bonding over something like looking for more play partners or wanting to explore a specific kind of sex that is interesting to both (or all) of you, I think if you are close enough friends with someone that you’d like to potentially have sex with them, it should be okay to name that ask. “I mention that I have sex with friends when we’re both up for it,” one human told me. “Name it. I only offer if they also have sex with people whose company they enjoy when they’re *not* having sex, aka friends. Basically, I phrase sex as another activity you can do with friends, with clear expectations, agreements and understanding of the impact.”
In Person For Later
It’s totally fine to want to bring up the subject of having sex and not necessarily have sex right away. One of my best friends and I once casually talked about having a threesome with his partner, and when he brought it up to her she was interested, so we planned to have a threesome… six months later, because that’s how our schedules worked out. If you’re someone who really likes a plan, or just truly hates plausible deniability, this approach is great because everyone can negotiate how they feel about the idea together, and then everyone can go organize their thoughts separately, but everything is 100% out in the open and there is no guessing involved.
The Indirect Approach to Sex with Friends
I generally like to give as many concrete action items as I can when I give advice, as you see above, because I know saying “just follow your instincts” is not particularly useful for everyone, all humans have different instincts, some of us trust our guts more than others, some of us are more shy than others, and if you wanted to follow your heart you’d be out there doing that, not in here reading a how–to guide. And yet. So many people insisted This Is The Only Way They Have Ever Successfully Had Sex With Their Friends, and insisted I should include it. So here we are.The indirect approach is tricky (and not my favorite approach) because it really is hard to pin down the concrete action items here. Basically, from conversing with so many different people who swore by this method, it seems everyone agrees that sometimes a spontaneous moment just happens, and things work out. Here’s how the indirect approach goes down, in y’all’s own words: “Go with the flow.” “We’re already friends so communication is easy.” “One of us gives the other this look, and then the other person would return the look, and then we’d know that we were shifting from friend-mode to sex-mode.” “You invite a couple of cute friends you’ve drunkenly kissed before to the Brandi Carlile concert…” (Have I mentioned today that I love you all so, so much.)
Make a plan
So you asked your pal if she wants to have sex with you and she said yes! Hell yeah! While I love getting naked immediately just as much as the next horny dyke, I really recommend checking in at this moment and creating some sort of plan, even if it’s a loose one. I advocate for this during all sex, actually, but in the case of fucking a friend I find it extra important for everyone to be on the same page. This is to mitigate damage from misunderstandings, of course, but it’s also really fun – if sleeping with a friend feels more casual to you, or less stressful, or just fun and easy and chill, this is a great time to explore things you may not feel comfortable trying out with dates or romantic lovers. If you and your pal are both into kink, platonically playing together is a great way to get those needs met. If you always top but you’re curious about bottoming, doing so with a pal can feel like a safe way to experiment.Your plan should include logistics (are you fucking in the bathroom at the bar? Are you taking a Lyft to her house? Will you meet next week at the park and have a picnic to relax before actually having sex?) and it should also include a frank discussion about limits, boundaries, sexual health, expectations, and desires. Some people have a very easy time being vulnerable with their pals, and sex with a friend can feel a lot more open and free for these folks than a one night stand with a Tinder hookup would feel. On the flip side, some people like to keep really strong boundaries during sex with friends so as not to get confused about the nature of the hookup, or to attempt to lessen the likelihood of “catching feelings.” Whatever your personal preference (you hopefully thought some of this through in Step One!) it’s a really good idea to communicate that stuff to your friend before you’re naked and fist-deep inside each other!
Manage your expectations and feelings
In an ideal world, sex with a friend is easy and not earth shattering and fun and something that could happen again or might not and either would be fine. We do not live in an ideal world.When you fuck your friend, I think the two major fears are: (1) What if this ruins our friendship because one of us becomes emotionally attached and (2) What if this ruins our friendship because the sex is terrible? And I want to validate those fears – both of those things As I said upfront, this is an article about fucking your friends and then remaining friends. The goal here is not to morph your friendship into a relationship. To that end, I think it’s useful to remember that feelings are habits, and falling in love is something we decide to do and then feed over and over, not something random that happens to us that is beyond our control. Look – if you have sex with a pal five nights a week for 3 months in a row, text or hang out 24 hours a day, eat breakfast together every morning, and adopt a kitten as a group project… that is no longer just a pal. You are probably going to fall in love with that pal. If you have sex with a pal five times in one year and maintain reasonable boundaries and truly platonic behavior outside of bed with each other for the other 360 days, you’re much less likely to fall in love. You know what I mean?Some boundaries you can enact when fucking your friends include not kissing on the mouth, not cuddling or doing “romantic” touch like holding hands, choosing not to do specific sex acts, choosing not to do specific kink acts, sleeping in separate beds afterwards, avoiding pet names or any other behavior that mimics dating, only having sex on planned/scheduled dates, having sex together infrequently.As for the other fear – that the sex will be bad – well, it might be! Or it could be that things aren’t