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When a Narcissist Turns on You?

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People with strong narcissistic tendencies are known for certain destructive social patterns. Anybody who has had the misfortune of dealing with these types of people may notice that whenever theres a conflict or any type of disagreement, they tend to act in an abhorrent yet predictable manner.

And in order for others to agree with them, these other people either need to be terribly unhealthy and unable to recognize their toxic tendencies, or the narcissist needs to lie and present a different story than what is actually true. Here, they tend to flip the roles where they are good, noble, caring, virtuous and the other person is evil, cruel, selfish, and immoral.

Whatever the case may be, the mechanism here is that in the narcissists mind they try to attribute their own unhealthy behavior, perspective, and character traits to the other person because it shifts attention and responsibility from them. Meanwhile, they simply left out what happened beforehand when they bullied you, so actually you being mean to them is a normal response to toxic behavior. Slander, triangulation, character assassination There are several ways how the narcissist employs their lies and projections, and the goal is always to turn others against you in hope that they wont try to figure out the truth.

Closer analysis If you actually examine the narcissists narrative, you quickly notice that they are full of crap. For instance if you examine a narcissistic parent who tells others how you hurt them and say mean things, you quickly notice that they are the one who constantly demeans, disrespects, and manipulates the adult-child. If you examine further, you notice that not only the narcissistic parent was initially disrespecting the adult-childs boundaries, but is also retaliating further now by manipulating others into siding with them.

And since many people are unwilling and unable to look into the truth behind it, the narcissist can find that validation they so desperately crave and even act out their revenge fantasies.Often the reason is as simple as hating to see others doing well because they themselves are miserable.

Why do narcissists turn against you?

There are several ways how the narcissist employs their lies and projections, and the goal is always to turn others against you in hope that they wont try to figure out the truth. … It is related to gossiping, smearing, and slandering, where the narcissist spreads false information around.

How does a narcissist react when they can't control you?

Narcissists also gaslight or practice master manipulation, weakening and destabilizing their victims; finally, they utilize positive and negative emotions or moments to trick others. When a narcissist can’t control you, they’ll likely feel threatened, react with anger, and they might even start threatening you.

What does a narcissist do when you stand up to them?

If you stand up to someone with a narcissistic personality, you can expect them to respond. Once you speak up and set boundaries, they may come back with some demands of their own. They may also try to manipulate you into feeling guilty or believing that you’re the one being unreasonable and controlling.

You play back something traumatic that happened. A fight you had, a falling out anything that left an emotional mark on you and when you mention it, they almost deny it happening. They say you imagined that in your head. Youre exaggerating. You dont remember it properly. Now youre conflicted with did this actually happen or are they right?

Any story or situation that paints them in a negative light they learn to forget about. Narcissists gain control by making people fear them.

They ask you to do something and you dont do it to their standard and they say something like if I did this, it would have turned out right. But instead of actually doing it themselves theyd rather blame someone else then even lift a finger. Narcissists go off in conversation with a simple objective of completely shutting you down. They would rather fight until the end knowing they won even if it means damaging the relationship than ever admit defeat.

They dont ask about you and how youre doing they always circle it back to making them the center of attention. They arent some model person either but they put this pressure on you that no matter what you do, you should be striving for more. And rather than try and understand and help you to learn from it they make you feel shame and guilt and horrible for how you might have acted.

They care a lot about playing this role of how people perceive them and if you do anything to shine them in a negative light you will get their wrath. They purposefully try to make people unhappy with their mood or attitude or losing it at the worst moment. They gain all the information then come at you dropping the bomb of what they already know, leaving you in the defense.

Whenever there is any problem or drama, it usually involves this person and some inconsistent story of telling people two very different things in hopes of manipulating and controlling them. A snide comment or remarks that play on repeat in your head to a point where its you, yourself saying these things to the person looking back at you in the mirror.

Sometimes, though, it can be a sign of something more sinister particularly if someone youre dating is professing their undying love for you when youve only known them five minutes.

Its a manipulative tactic to reel in their targets, showering them with affection and gifts. Then, they start gaslighting and abusing their victim , causing them to wonder whats real.

Although theres no global summit for all dark triad people to get together and discuss their tactics, they do seem to operate in a similar way. There are certain phrases narcissists use, and ways they express things, that are eerily familiar to anyone who has ever dealt with one. Neo said some people simply do mesh really well, because they have similar interests, and also complement each others differences.

But anybody who tries to do it too quickly early on is basically accelerating intimacy, and that is bad news, she said. Youre my only friend. We dont need anyone else. Youre so kind, creative, smart, beautiful, and perfect. Well be together forever. Once a narcissist has hooked their victim, they start showing their true self.

But all the nastiness is intertwined with some affection, because the narcissist knows they have to keep up the illusion that the relationship is worth saving. By pretending they can still be loving, the narcissist makes their victim believe the insults are their own fault. They will also probably start explaining away their behaviour if they are ever challenged on it, saying things like:

Im like this because my parents were so mean to me. My ex cheated on me. Love is just hard, we have to work on it. Everyone abandons me, so you have to help me. Im acting this way because Im scared to lose you. I dont do it on purpose, I have a problem. Dont you remember how good things were at the start? You need to stop being so selfish / careless / busy with other people. You cant blame me, you know I have a problem. Theyll also try and devalue everything their victim loves, like their interest and hobbies even their family. Narcissists also play on their advantages, especially if they are older than their victim, or they brought them over from a foreign country.

Ive been through more relationships so this is why Im saying this. You cant wear that, because I said so. That makes you look stupid. Your dress is too short. You know Im smarter, you know I know more about this than you. Im the local here, I know better. When a narcissist has completely worn their victim down, they may tire of them. Either way, at this stage their insults will reach the worst level, and theyll find more ways to tear their partner down, ensuring they leave the relationship as the winner.

Everybody hates you. Youre a bad person. Nobody else will ever love you. Im the best youll ever have. Have fun being alone for the rest of your life. You did this to yourself. The only way to escape a narcissists insults and threats is to get away from them, and run fast and far, said Neo.

Delusion and denial

Narcissists cant deal with reality because it contradicts what they want to be true, and this creates painful emotions. As a coping mechanism, they learn to delude themselves that what is real is actually Sometimes they truly see it that way. Other times its just a story they tell themselves and others. And often the longer you tell a story, the more you believe it, even if initially you know its not true. And so eventually they may start truly believing it.Either way, the first step is to create a version of events that is an alternative to what actually happened or whats going on.

Lying

While delusion is more of an internal process, lying and denial is often in the context of other people.Regular people deal with their problems by themselves, internally. Or they discuss it in a very private setting: in therapy or among very close, healthy people. Narcissists dont have people like that in their life and are not really interested in actually resolving anything or being introspective.Narcissists simply want to know that they are in the right. For that, they need other peoples false validation to regulate their shaky self-esteem. They need to find people who would agree with them. And in order for others to agree with them, these other people either need to be terribly unhealthy and unable to recognize their toxic tendencies, or the narcissist needs to lie and present a different story than what is actually true.Here, they tend to flip the roles where they are good, noble, caring, virtuous and the other person is evil, cruel, selfish, and immoral. Which brings us to the next point.

Projection

The most common way narcissists create alternative narratives is by projecting. Weve talked about If they say that the other person is jealous of them, then you know that the narcissist is jealous. If they say that the other person was cruel to them, then you know that the narcissist was cruel to the other person. If they say that the other person was lying and cheating, then you know they were the one lying and cheating.Yes, sometimes its not as simple and there could be unhealthy behavior on both sides, but more often than not whatever the narcissist is presenting the other person as is a much more accurate description of the narcissist.Whatever the case may be, the mechanism here is that in the narcissists mind they try to attribute their own unhealthy behavior, perspective, and character traits to the other person because it shifts attention and responsibility from them. And if the other person is all these bad things then it cant be that

Framing the story

Narcissists also like to truncate the story and present only the bit where the aggrieved party Or they twist it by using euphemisms and deceiving language (Im not controlling, I just want whats best for you.).For example, if a narcissist dislikes you and tries to bully you but you stand up for yourself, they will frame it as if they are the ones being a victim of bullying. In their narrative they were just doing their thingor joking aroundand you started being meanto them. Meanwhile, they simply left out what happened beforehand when they bullied you, so actually you being mean to them is a normal response to toxic behavior.Here, by leaving out or downplaying their aggression they simply frame you engaging in self-defense as vile aggression against them. And then they think: How dare you react or challenge me! Youre so sensitive and unfair! Thats why you deserve everything thats coming!

Slander, triangulation, character assassination

There are several ways how the narcissist employs their lies and projections, and the goal is always to turn others against you in hope that they wont try to figure out the truth.One of the ways to do that is

Closer analysis

If you actually examine the narcissists narrative, you quickly notice that they are full of crap.For instance if you examine a narcissistic parent who tells others how you hurt them and say mean things, you quickly notice that they are the one who constantly demeans, disrespects, and manipulates the adult-child. And when the child becomes more assertive and stops giving them resources (time, money, attention), they see it as aggression because they feel entitled to those resources.If you examine further, you notice that not only the narcissistic parent was initially disrespecting the adult-childs boundaries, but is also retaliating further now by manipulating others into siding with them.The same is the case in professional environments or personal relationships. The narcissistic party does something toxic, the aggrieved party reacts and stops the perpetrator or distances from them, and then the narcissist retaliates by trying to shape the social opinion into a narrative where they are the good, righteous party. Sometimes they even convince others to bully and intimidate the target further.These methods often rely on the target not having a support system or being isolated. This increases the narcissists chances of others siding with them and not with the victim.

They control with fear.

Narcissists gain control by making people fear them. You become so afraid of who they are at their worst you just do what they want you to, to avoid it. It’s better just agree and let them control you then start another fight that isn’t worth it.
Their emotions and temper they can’t control. Their toxic habits. They look for people who appear weak so they can manipulate them. They associate relationships with ownership.

They threaten you.

If you don’t do what they want you to you, they threaten you. They will take things away. They will do anything to manipulate you into doing what they want you to do. and if you don’t play by there rules you’ll pay for it.

They always blame you.

Had you not done XYZ they wouldn’t have reacted that way. If you only did this their way something wouldn’t have happened. Nothing is ever their fault.
They ask you to do something and you don’t do it to their standard and they say something like “if I did this, it would have turned out right.” But instead of actually doing it themselves they’d rather blame someone else then even lift a finger.Narcissists are never at fault for anything.

They enter fights with ammo ready.

When you fight with a narcissist you are never going to win. The fight will run in so many circles you’ll just eventually get tired of even trying. It might even get to a point you don’t even know what it is you’re fighting about anymore.Narcissists go off in conversation with a simple objective of completely shutting you down. They thrive on winning even if it’s a stupid fight. They would rather fight until the end knowing they won even if it means damaging the relationship than ever admit defeat. They don’t lose. And they will pick any fight they can.

They talk to hear themselves talk.

A conversation with them isn’t a two-way street. It’s just you listening to what they are saying. If it’s a phone call you could almost put the phone down and walk away then come back and they are probably still talking.Narcissists love people who listen because all they really want to talk about is themselves. They don’t ask about you and how you’re doing they always circle it back to making them the center of attention.

They thrive on gossip and drama.

Tell a narcissist something that you want to get to the person that is being talked about and they are your person. But only they tend to spin things. They never want to make themselves look bad so they use others and try and make themselves come out like the good guy.They gain all the information then come at you dropping the bomb of what they already know, leaving you in the defense.Whenever there is any problem or drama, it usually involves this person and some inconsistent story of telling people two very different things in hopes of manipulating and controlling them.

The devaluation stage

Relationships with narcissists move very quickly. Neo said some people simply do mesh really well, because they have similar interests, and also complement each other’s differences.“But anybody who tries to do it too quickly early on is basically accelerating intimacy, and that is bad news,” she said. “Anybody who has to do that suggests they are doing something a bit creepy.”

It will only get worse

When a narcissist has completely worn their victim down, they may tire of them. It might be because they’ve bled them dry of funds, or they’ve simply found someone new to abuse. Either way, at this stage their insults will reach the worst level, and they’ll find more ways to tear their partner down, ensuring they leave the relationship as the “winner.”

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